Sometimes I wish I could dwell in my grief. There are days where that cave seems welcoming, to be surrounded by the echoes of my despair, just to completely give in to these feelings. But it’s not ideal. I don’t think I’ll ever completely learn to live without you and accepting it is twice as… Continue reading

As the days pass trying to live life again, the further away I feel from you. We move forward while you stay frozen in time. I haven’t quite grasped what that means yet. Death has rattled me. I don’t know what it means—to die, that is. Where do we go? Are we somehow aware that… Continue reading

Happy Birthday, Chuy. 32 years old, bro, damn. I always felt closer to you in between our birthdays; it made it seem like we were only one year apart for some months. I would have loved to watch your face get smashed into cake by Sofia or Migz or my dad. I’ve read a lot… Continue reading

Rattle, rattle,A restless mind thinks, the blue pills whisper, Or is it me? I can’t tell,not when the walls are breathing so loud, Just as loud as the memory of the ninth, so fast, so sudden, So, Unexpectedly, A moment within a moment, That’s all it takes to spiral, to try and fathom where you… Continue reading

Ever since I was a kid I’ve had two biggest fears, One, the dark. Two, being alone. I think the first one is pretty standard. Even now I still feel like something clutching at my neck when I walk away from the darkness, but I think number two has more terror behind it, more hopelessness.… Continue reading

It’s hopeless. I miss you. I get anxiety when I think of you. It still feels as if I can rewind time and stop you from leaving. I think of you every day, think how quickly it happened. It’s still so surreal. But it hurts all the same. I call my mom sometimes, just so… Continue reading

Forgive me for calling my mom or dad every time I can’t manage a breakdown. Sometimes I can do it on my own, other times they’re really bad. Mi amá siempre me dice: Resale su Padre Nuestro a tu hermano, hijo. Pídele fortaleza. Like the big brother that I am, I go sit next to… Continue reading

Mi querido Chuy, My dad, Manuel, and Sofia came down this weekend. I was excited to feel a sense of home—the type you feel with your siblings and parents—but knowing why they were here is a different story. On Saturday, we didn’t do much but spend time at my place. The mood was slightly somber,… Continue reading

I don’t know where you are; I know that much. I don’t know if you know what we know. I hope you do and I hope you don’t. I don’t know what your last thought was, or if you even had one. What did you feel at the end? Did you have a chance to… Continue reading

It always begins at nightfall. Like any other haunting thought or feeling, there’s a subtle pull—a gentle tug, so tender, so light, I feel it I feel it all the time at nightfall. Sometimes it’s a whisper, a memory, it takes the shape of an echo, or an afterimage It’s too hard to ignore, but… Continue reading